Tuesday, April 14, 2009


...sucks. Today I feel like such a failure. Most days I have fairly decent self esteem...today it is in the shitter. (Sorry, I try not to use words like that too often!). I am just such a failure at trying to lose weight and it is ABSOLUTELY MY FAULT. It is not my thyroid. It is not because it is hard to lose weight. It is because of what I choose to put in my mouth. And I have got to stop failing!

I wanted to lose 30 lbs for our trip. I've lost 7 lbs. Our trip is in 2 weeks. This failure is because of what I eat. I work out pretty good, at least 4 times a week; and I do some pretty kick-ass (I'm on a roll with the language) workouts. I also do great at eating a low-calorie, well balanced breakfast, lunch and dinner. My problem is snacking and sweets. I just prowl the kitchen in the afternoons. I munch when I make dinner. I have a snack after dinner. This would be okay if it is one cookie...but it's often two with a nice sized glass of milk.

The Easter candy here is killing me. I love candy. And saying "get it out of the house" just isn't fair to the rest of the family.

I can do great one day. Have a major will-power day, and feel so proud of my self. Then I "Celebrate" the next day or treat myself. Counterproductive.

I am an emotional eater. Call me Oprah. I know this for a fact. I get stressed out with the kids, and I medicate with sweets. I feel like "ACK. What a day. They are down for a nap, I am going to reward myself for surviving the morning. Where's the ____?" You may think "Reward yourself with something else." Great idea. If I could walk out the door that instant and get a massage, I'd totally do that :) I have got to find myself a new form of collateral.

Because I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to be fat. Brooke told me the other day I was chubby. She's right. And it's mortifying. I look in the mirror most days and think I look okay. But I know that I don't. The scale tells me. The size of my pants tells me!

And how stupid is this failure, really? BIG TIME STUPID. I mean, I do not ENJOY working out at all. I do it because I have to. And then I sabotage all that effort by eating junk on top of my allowed calories for the day? It's sooo stupid. And here I thought I was a pretty smart girl, even if I did fail a math class at ISU.

And it's okay to have a piece of cake. A small one. It's okay to have a cookie. But I usually end up having more than one "treat" each day....several actually.... and I blow my calorie-allowance out of the water by doing so. And I know it when I am doing it. And I do it anyway. Why is that? I don't know...but I better figure it out and figure it out quick. I'm tired of being a failure. Of being a disappointment to myself and others. Of being overweight. But I'm also tired of battling it. Why can't I be one of those people who can eat whatever and be stick-thin? My dad eats CRAP all the time...and he probably weighs 100 lbs soaking wet. Why didn't I get his metabolism?

I guess the WHY's don't matter. It's the "What am I going to do about it" that does. And right now, I really don't know. I guess I'm going to have to take it one damn bite at a time. Pray for me!

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Angie - we all have these days, and your blog was full of soul-searching. Me and a few buddies on a weight-loss chat board have a theory that the reason we sabatoge is because we are scared...scared to be thin (or at least, scared to not be "fat"). The last time I was thin I was Zosia's age. I don't know what it's like to NOT be the fat friend or the chubby girl or the plus-size wife. And the unknown can be scarey. I don't have a magic wand or special advice. I just know that for me the thing that seems to work well is the food diary. With that any food is allowed as long as I'm logging it and stay within my limits. And it makes me accountable. To me. Which is were the accountability should be. I know you will have a fabulous time on your vacation, regardless of weight, and your two great girls and wonderful husband love you no matter what. You've got a lot to offer, don't sell yourself short. Okay, enough for my rambling pep talk! You've got two weeks - make the most of it!